One Big Happy Family
by MrTicklepaws
Summary: Worth has a revelation and decides to share it with Conrad. Isn't he lucky? Please make sure to read this AFTER reading Facing the Bullets or else you will be really confused! HINABN Postapocalypse AU.


"Been thinkin'," Worth stated, and Conrad knew that tone of voice. Oh he knew it like he knew the throb of an incoming headache.

He gripped the steering wheel ever tighter, pale knuckles becoming a row of white capped ridges. "_Splendid_."

Beside him, the doctor uncrossed and then recrossed his ankles, feet resting beside a heating vent on the dashboard. "Gonna ask me wot I been thinkin' 'bout?"

"No." Conrad would not look over. Conrad would not show interest. Conrad would not give Worth what he wanted. Conrad would not admit that putting your frosted toes up by one of the camper's heating vents was actually a pretty good idea because feet on the dashboard was less than hygienic and far from polite.

"How'm I supposed ter tell ya wot I been thinkin' 'bout if ya ain't gonna ask me?"

"Because if you want me to know," he snipped, "you will either keep pestering me with your inane dribble or you will outright tell me. One way or another you'll say whatever it is."

Worth's pout was nearly audible. "'m jus' makin' conversation, Connie. We're practically married now, ain't we? 's wot I was thinkin' 'bout."

That was enough to curl Conrad's upper lip in confusion and earned the doctor a quick sideways glance. "What in the hell are you on about?"

"Y'know. Wot with ya turnin' me 'n' all along with th' love confession. Bound together through our blood communion, wanderin' th' earth together fer eternity."

Conrad fought the urge to rub his face. "I see you've been reading the zombie's novels again. Which one was it this time?"

Long fingers scratched at the fuzz stubbornly adhered to Worth's chin. Now that he was a vampire his hair would no longer grow, and he had yet to decide how he wanted to keep his facial scruff for the rest of his undead life. "Drink Deeply I think. Sommat like that."

"Wonderful."

"So, y'know. Been thinkin' 'bout that."

"Have you now? I am so utterly fortunate that you have decided to share this with me. Thank you." Voice flat, Conrad stared ahead at the sky and road partially obscured as the wind flung snow around. He had never really considered what it might be like to be trapped inside of a snowglobe before. But, this, he thought, flipping on the wiperblades in a futile attempt to give him additional visibility, was probably something like it.

"So, wifey-"

"Call me wifey again and I will dislocate every one of your fingers."

"Heh." Worth leaned over, left hand bridging the gap between them to rest palm against Conrad's knee. "Kids're sleepin'. Mebbe we oughta take advantage of th' situation."

"Sleeping? Maybe Hanna is - well, okay. It's quiet, so, yes, Hanna is sleeping. But I don't think that…er…sorry," his voice raised slightly above his usual level. "Alvin was it? Alvin? Simon?"

"Theodore," the zombie rumbled.

Congrad grimaced. He never could keep all the varying names sorted. "Yes, sorry. You see? The "kids" are not all asleep."

"He don't count." Worth's thumb dragged across Conrad's jean covered kneecap. "He never sleeps."

"Then why kids plural? Plural indicates there is more than one child and you know what? No. I'm not doing this. I'm not even entertaining this road of thought." Immediately, Conrad plucked Worth's hand from where it had been creeping up his thigh and tossed it like dirty laundry back at the doctor. "Try hitting on me later."

"When?"

"I don't know, when I'm not busy driving the vehicle we're all inside at one hundred miles per hour? Maybe that would be a good starting point."

"Could slow down. Pull over. Jus' sayin' maybe we oughta consummate th' marriage b'fore someone tries ter get it annulled. Jus' wanna make our love official."

"Right. Well. _Darling_," he replied, sparing the former back alley doctor another sidelong glance, "I don't think that our relationship really counts as a married couple. Not in vampiric style, anyway."

"Yeah? How ya figure?"

The wiper blades really weren't making a damn bit of difference. If he had wiper fluid that would be helpful, but, no. No one had thought to store that anywhere, had they? He turned the wipers up to full blast, anyway, with a scowl. "Well, all things considered, and using appropriate terminology, I'm your sire."

"Yeah? So?"

"So, Worth, if anything that makes me your father."

From the bundle of blankets on the breakfast bench behind them came a mumble. "Luce. I am your father."

Indignant, Worth turned in his seat, glaring into the back. "Oi! No one said ya had ter bring th' first name inter this!"

"It was good timing, however," Theodore responded and Conrad snickered.

"I would say come to the dark side, Luce," Conrad's teeth flashed as he grinned, "but I think you beat me to that one."

"Cockblockers. Th' lot a ya." Pulling back onto himself, Worth turned to glare out the window.

Positively beaming, Conrad tsked. "Now, now. Watch the language or daddy will put you time out."

One red eye peered over Worth's bony shoulder. "Findin' this real funny, ain't ya?"

"You have no idea, son."

"Uh huh. Well next time-Christ."

At the abrupt mood change, Conrad frowned. "What?"

"That make Adelaide my gran'ma?"

"Oh God," Conrad felt as if a stone had been dropped in his stomach. "I-I think it does."

"So…my own gram screwed my best friend, an' I'm in love with my dad who's in love with me, too."

A timeline of events quickly clicked into place in Conrad's brain, displacing every last trace of mirth he had so briefly fostered inside. "And my mother tried to kill me, and my son, but I killed her and gained the family inheritance."

"Huh."

"Technically I'm your like, step-dad," Hanna muttered, rousing himself further from his sleep.

Head swimming, Conrad replied out of autopilot habit. "How exactly does that work out?"

"Like, we used Adelaide's blood 'n' stuff, right? Buuuuut it was me who gave it to you. So, step-dad, step-sire. Whoa, does that mean I'm Worth's step-grand-sire, too? Bro! We're vampire-step-related!"

It was difficult to find the proper words to express his feelings at the moment. In fact, the best Conrad was able to come up with was a most eloquent "Urk."

"But you know, I bet Adelaide never told anyone that. She probably did the whole "Oh, yes! I made him on a whim! Ho-ho-ho! Hee-hee-hee", or whatever kinda laugh she would do that was maniacal and feminine. Would she tee-hee? Maybe. I dunno."

Conrad felt Worth's gaze upon him as Hanna continued to prattle on in the back. "Betcha wish you'd taken me up on that consummation right about now."

"But she'd definitely do some kind of laugh like that because it is super embarrassing to have someone else use your blood to sire a bat-ling and stuff right? Like, standing up in front of the class at the blackboard with a boner and someone takes a photo and it winds up in your yearbook level embarrassing - not that I uh, would know how embarrassing that is just that I bet it super sucks and means that people just call you boner-boy like for the rest of the school year."

A muscle under his eye twitched. "I'm regretting everything I've ever done in my entire life up until this point."

"I mean, sweatpants are comfortable and all, super roomy, but no one ever warns you that they will totally betray you one day. They're like the Judas Priest of pants and did you know their songs actually did have messages if you played them backwards? Just the messages were actually translatable to things like "We love cupcakes" and recipes for muffins and stuff. They just really liked baked goods, but who can blame them?"

"I can't escape my fate," Conrad sighed balefully. "I am a reincarnation of a man who made terrible decisions in his past life and I am paying for them all in this one."

"Well at least ya made one good decision."

"I'm not even asking. I am assuming you're talking about you."

Worth snorted. "'Course I am."

"Yes," Conrad's words were as dry as his throat as the camper rocketed down long forgotten roads. "Of course you are."


End file.
